LAPTOP CARE!!!!!!!

Laptops should be transported in their protective carrying cases at all times.

• Laptops should be protected from temperature extremes, precipitation (rain, snow, sleet, and ice) and dampness.
• Staff members should refrain from placing drinks or food near laptops and in places where spills could cause damage to the laptop.
• Staff members should note that insurance coverage has been purchased for the office’s laptops. However, the coverage provides only reduced, or no coverage in the following instances:
• Theft,vandalism, or pilferage of a laptop left in an unattended automobile;
• Disappearance of a laptop (i.e., a laptop turns up missing during the performance of a physical inventory, or vanishes without any signs of a break in);
• Damage caused by insects, vermin, corrosion, rust, dampness, dryness, freezing or extremes of temperature;
• Damage caused by exposure to rain, snow, sleet, or ice; and Damage caused by rough handling
• The laptops are provided with all the necessary software. Do not download any software to the laptop, or install any software to the laptop without the approval of the Network Administrator. Laptop Security, In the Office
• Laptops should be secured when not in use and overnight. Doors to offices with laptops should be locked over the lunch hours.
• A designated staff person will be responsible for the safeguarding of, and accountability for, any laptops not assigned to a particular staff member.

HOW TO MAKE THE INTERNET SAFE FOR YOUR KID'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The tragedy at Columbine brought a lot of attention to the Internet and to violent video games. Unfortunately, news reporters knew nothing about either subject, and so were delivering the same basic story: the Internet is bad, video games are bad. But they didn't understand that the Internet can be very safe, with the proper precautions and supervision.

The Internet is NOT television. The Internet is more like a city street; there are many shady people that would love to take your child's money, or worse. Many children are trusting of strangers, and children are always influenced by new ideas -- how can you police their interactions so you make sure that they're not conversing with a maniac?

In this article you'll find out:If the Internet is safe for kids How to protect your child from shady characters How to block them from visiting inappropriate sites The skinny on violence on the Internet and in video games How Do I Know?

• Much of my teen years were spent in front of a computer -- even in the days before the Internet, a teenager could use a PC and modem to access all kinds of information. Remember the movie "WarGames"? Well, I wasn't that bad, but I was amazed at what a kid could see and do, all without regard for age. Fortunately, my parents had instilled some taste and common sense into my brain, so I managed to avoid the truly tasteless things I suddenly had free access to.


• The same went for video games. Frankly, I enjoy violent video games -- some of them are quite fun. However, these graphically violent games did not exist when I was younger. The early Atari and Nintendo games I played were wholesome fun.


• If my experiences have taught me anything, it is that a child with a computer can have virtually limitless access to all kinds of vulgar material, whether it be violent or pornographic. But this same child also has access to a wealth of information to advance their intelligence, and after all, that knowledge has helped me to a successful career and also to start this web site.

Online Dangers:PornographyOn search engines like Yahoo and Altavista, the top five words most commonly searched for are pornographic in nature. That statistic alone shows you how much pornographic material is open to the public, even minors. There are literally hundreds of thousands of web sites that are devoted to pornography.

There are laws that require these sites to determine if the viewer is over 18 years of age, so the law-abiding sites will require a credit card check. However, many pornographic sites are hosted outside of the United States, thus avoiding the law and providing extremely graphic material to anyone who ventures to their web page. Even worse, some sites use trickery to induce new members to their pornography pages: a child who mistakenly enters http://www.whitehouse.com/ instead of the real address, http://www.whitehouse.gov/, will get an eyeful of XXX-rated material.

Hate Sites:Nazis, the KKK, Black Supremacists: they're all on the Internet, and they would love to recruit your child as a new member. The Internet is an excellent forum for disgruntled people to voice their views without debate -- they just put up a web page. You need to make sure your kids aren't unduly influenced by these monsters.

Use Blocking and Filtering Software:There is software you can buy that will help you protect your children. One type is Web-blocking software, which works with your current web browser to block out sites that are deemed inappropriate for children. The list of inappropriate sites is updated constantly by the software company, so there is minimal effort that needs to be put in by the parent. However, this is no substitute for surfing the Internet WITH your child.

Filtering software works with your e-mail software to filter out any messages from "unauthorized" people. For instance, you can authorize family and friends to send e-mail to your child, and anyone else who tries will get their e-mail bounced back to them.

HOW FAST IS MY INTERNET CONNECTION SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you buy an Internet connection, they will usually tell you how fast you are supposed to be connecting. But how can you be sure you are getting the bandwidth you paid for? A 56K modem connection is rarely, if ever over 48K. A 2Mbps cable modem connection may be much slower than that in real-time. And when you get into faster cable, DSL, or fiber-optic connections, real world speeds will differ from you buy. So how can you test the speed of your Internet connection?

• There are lots of web sites out there that will test your Internet connection. Your best bet is to try several, because if you have a very fast connection, your results may vary by how far the web site's server is from your home/Internet provider.


• An important thing to keep in mind is that bandwidth is measured in kilobits per second (kbps) - one bit is simply a binary 0 or 1, so transferring one kilobit means that you transferred 1000 0s or 1s. One megabit per second (Mbps) means roughtly 1,000,000 0s or 1s transferred every second.


• However, when you normally think of the size of files, you are not thinking in terms of kilobits or megabits - you think in terms of kilobytes (KB) or megabytes (MB). Since it takes 8 bits to make up a byte, you should divide the speed of your connection in bits per second by 8 to get a real-world idea of how long it would take to transfer a file.


• An example: I have a 1 Mbps internet connection. I have a 10 megabyte file that I would like to download. Will it take 10 seconds? No. Because of the difference between bits and bytes, it will take longer. A 10 megabyte file is actually comprised of roughtly 80 megabits. So, with a 1 megabit-per-second connection, it should take roughly 80 seconds to transfer the file.

WHOM TO MARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U.

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.

Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.

Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.

Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.

Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.

Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.

Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.

Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.

Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles .

Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

BYPASS WINDOWS FILE PROTECTION IN WINDOWS XP!......

There are two different Solutions,depending on whether you have SP2 installed or not.

If you don’t have SP2 installed :

Locate the file sfc_os.dll,which should be in your system32 folder. Copy it and name it sfc- os.bak. Open this file using a hex editor such us XV132, which is an excellent freeware. This is an extremely simple edit and does not require an editor with advanced features. All you need to do is change to values.

The location of these values will vary depending on whether you’re using windows XP with out a service pack or windows XP with SP1, but the actual hex values to change well be the same.

For windows XP with no service pack installed, go to offset 0000E2B8 (E2B8 hex). For windows XP with SP1, go to offset 0000E3BB (E3BB hex). At those offsets, change the hex value 8BC6 to 9090.

Note: Depending on your hex editor, you may see the value separated by a space, as an “8B C6”.

If you can’t find the values, do not proceed. It could be that your version of XP is different. The edit as described here only applies to English retail versions of windows XP.

If you have SP2 installed :

Disabling system file protection in XP prior toSP2 involved editing the sfc-os.dll file , but the version of sfc-os.dll that comes with SP2 is different, and you cannot disable file protection with it. With SP2, you need to use the previous version of the sfc-os.dll file, which is 5.1.2600.1106 (the one with SP2 is 5.1.2600.2180).

Open sfc.os.dll with a hex editor and go to offset 0xECE9. The values to change are 33 CO 40. Change these to 90 90 90. Save your changes. Rename the file with a bak extension (sfc-oc.bak).

The original exists in to locations: the \windows\system 32 folder, and the \windows\system 32 \dllcache folders. Place a copy of sfc-oc.bak in both these folders. Then in the dllcache folder look for cmd.exe, double-click it, and enter this command:

Copy SFC-OS.BAK SFC-OS.DILL/Y
Next, go to your system 32 folder and do the same thing. Look for cmd.exe, double click it, and enter exactly the same command.

Points to remember :

• If you have a problem over writing the files, you can do the copying with in the recovery console, or you can try safe mode.
• The dllcache folder is a hidden folder.
• It is important to copy the file to your dllcache folder first.
• If you’re prompted to pop in your windows CD, clicks cancel.

Once the files have been copied, shut down your computer and restart it. The final step is to disable system file protection in the registry. Go to HKEY-LOCAL-MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft \windows NT\Current version\win logon. In the right-hand pane, if it doesn’t exist, create a new DWORD value named SFCD is able. Double-click it and enter “FFFFFF9D”. Exit the registry editor and reboot. You’re done.

THE TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED!...

Just in case you think YOU are TC (Technologically challenged),
there'sstill hope:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer."The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

GOD AND THE COMPUTER!...

God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.And God typed:

%>Let there be light!

#Please login.

%>login God

#Password?.

%>Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%>Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%>Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%>Create light

#Done

%>Run heaven_and_earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters

which are under and above the firmament

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%>Create firmament

#Done.

%>Run firmament

#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place

and let the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

%>Create dry_land

#Done.

%>Run dry_land

#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%>Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%>Run sun_moon_stars

#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0

errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

%>Create fish

#Done

%>Create fowl

#Done

%>Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.

#And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

%>Create cattle

#Done

%>Create creepy_things

#Done

%>Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%>Create man

#Done

%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.

#Too many command operands. Try again.

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%>Insert breath

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%>Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%>Create Garden.edn

#Done

%>Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%>Copy woman from man

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%>Create desire

#Done

%>Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%>Create freewill

#Done

%>Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.

%>Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

%>Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.

%>Create good, evil

#Done

%>Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.

#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%>Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

%>Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%>Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again

%>Break

%>Break

%>Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.

PLEASE LOG OFF.

%>Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%>Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)

%>Y

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM

#Please login.

%>login God

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN

#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE

%>NEW

#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM

%>God

#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME

%>who is God

#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE

#And NEW logged off

CONVERSATION BETWEEN BILL GATES AND LALOO OF BIHARI!...........

Conversation between Bill Gates and Laloo of Bihari
Gates: Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows. Laloo: Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
Gates: At home have u installed Windows? Laloo: I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our house.
Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?Laloo: OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
Gates(Sweating): Hope the internet is being used a lot in India. Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
Gates: By the year 2010 India should export computer chips. Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops? Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.Laloo: RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.Laloo: I have exhausted all my leave.
Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting. Please wait............."

SOFTWARE ENGINEER HUSBAND!....

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morningHusband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping.Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del toReboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & yourReceptionist?Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.Husband - program performed illegal operation, it willClose.
Wife - I will leave you forever.Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - it is worthless talking to you.Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am goingHusband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

MICROSOFT'S SLOGAN!........

Windows XP
After first seeing Microsoft's slogan for its New Windows XP operating system, "it just works," I couldn't help wondering: what were the slogans for all the previous releases? After thinking about it for a while, they became obvious.

Windows 1.0: Good joke, eh?

Windows 2.0: Still funny, isn't it?

Windows 286: Yeah, we're still kidding.

Windows 386: Going boldly where Desqview has been for years.

Windows 3.0: It's finally worth buying!

Windows 3.1: It's finally worth using!

Windows 95: Going boldly where the Mac has been for years.

Windows 98: More usable! Less stable!

Windows 98SE: More stable! Less usable!

Windows ME: Less usable AND less stable!

NT 1.0: Give me more hardware!

NOW!!!NT 2.0: Dammit, I said MORE HARDWARE!!!

NOW!!!!NT 3.0: Which part of "more hardware" do you not understand?

NT 3.5: With enough hardware, I'd work. Honest.

NT 4.0: Does less than Win98 with twice the hardware at one-half the speed.

Windows 2K: Works almost as well as Windows 98! Honest!

Windows XP: It just works.